Sleep is for the dead. Her hands and feet are usually cold. Her hands are warm now. I can feel her pulse through my own as I hold hers. Her entire vibe is relaxed, more so than I have ever seen. Her eyes aren’t squinty with a crunched up brow. Her shoulders aren’t hunched over in the way she does to guard herself and exude some kind of invisible cock strut swag she likes to think she owns. I know different. Her hard shell makes me love even more what is on the inside, mostly because she lets me in.
“Hey.” Aiyana’s voice is a striking whisper into the room of bored white walls and eerily melodic beeps. I flinch some, I went deep in my thought not expecting any interruption for awhile at least.
“What are you doing here?’ My tone is irritated and the expression on Aiyana’s face confirms it.
“I went to the store to just say hi to you and the manger told me that you were here. I kinda lied and told the nurses that I was your sister so they let me back here. Is that ok that I am here?” Aiyana’s eyes begin to glisten.
“No, no, its fine, its ok. I am just a little fucked up right now. Did you see Twat out there?
“Yeah. She left.She said she couldn’t take it and was gonna leave, get some fresh air.”
I chuckle to myself thinking how Twat probably mentioned the fresh air thing as she was pulling out a smoke from her pocket. Also amusing, Twat is the “toughest” of all of us but when it comes down to this shit, she can be just as vulnerable. Aiyana notices my slight smile.
“Watcha thinking about?”
I straighten up and just tell her its nothing. I don’t want to break Twats rough exterior down with an open acknowledgement to another person that’s she is a big softy, human like the rest of us.
“Pat?” Alex, the R.N. who has been attending to Dee primarily, pokes his head in. He is a handsome guy. He sports a peace tattoo on his lower left arm and some small gauges. We’ve bonded over this shitty situation. His sympathetic bed side manner is appreciated.
“Yeah?” My tone is now as relaxed as it can be given the moments current undertakings.
“There are a couple officers out here who want to speak with you if you wouldn’t mind?”
I get up slowly almost hesitating. I don’t want to leave, leave her. If I am here with her then everything will be ok, has to be ok. As I let go of her hand I turn back to look at her. She is still the most beautiful thing I have ever touched with my eyes.
“Do you mind if I go with you?” Aiyana seems uncomfortable. I simply utter yes and she follows me out of Dees room.
“Ms. Burgess? This is officer Anderson and I am officer Thomas. We just want to ask you a couple of questions. Would that be ok?” Both officers have a rigid stand to them in hopes conveying to me their seriousness of the situation. I get it.
“Sure, anything and everything I can do I will.” I sense something building up in Aiyana. Is she getting apprehensive of my care for Dee? At this point, any kind of uneasiness or whatever can wait.
“Ok. first. We know of the problems that Ms. Espinoza has had in the past with her ex. and have spoken with the ex. Do you know though if they have been spending any time together? In contact of any kind?”
My heart falls into my stomach. God, what if she has been speaking with her? met up with her? If she has, why wouldn’t she at least tell me?
“No sir, I don’t know if they have been meeting up. I haven’t seen Dee in a little while. Good God, I need to sit down.” I grab for the chair sitting outside of the room and slowly lower myself onto its shitty vinyl cover and metal legs. I can feel the coolness of the metal against my left leg. The feeling calms my dizzying head for a moment.
“Ms. Burgess, when was the last time you saw or spoke with Dee?’ Officer Thomas burrows his forehead even more deep. He is all professional.
“Probably a month ago, I think.” Aiyana places her hand on my shoulder.
“What did you guys talk about?”
The question seems pointless. How the fuck is what we talked about gonna make any kind of difference? With Aiyana standing right here I don’t want to accidently hint at anything that we did, almost making love.
“We just talked about her relationship with Ginger and all that’s happened with it, and everything, about it.” I stammer a bit. Covering up not to the cops but obviously Aiyana . Shit that response might just look bad to everyone. As I finish the sentence I can see out of the corner of my eye, Alex and some other hospital staff hurry down the hallway toward us. God? I quickly and instinctively stand up.
“Stay out here please.” one of the staff yells to me as they slightly push against my shoulder.
The door closes like molasses. There is no time. One place stands still at the very edges of my heart. Dees mouth is slightly parted. Machines roar their macabre tune inside my head. Goddamn it! If I am with her then it will be ok, it has to be ok. My mind fires in agony. If I’m fucking with her I can breathe with her. When her pulse beats, mine beats with hers.
Everything in me lives cause she does……..