I’m gonna cut my fucking hand off with these hedge clippers. I need to focus but that is proving to be quite difficult. In about an hour I will be off and I’ll have to go home, not wanting to go home. There’s always option two, not go home, move and change my identity. As pleasant as that sounds for the moment, unfortunately not realistic.
This landscaping job has been pretty good. Its sustainable landscaping so even better. I’ve especially enjoyed becoming familiar with the indigenous flora and fauna.
“Hey stud. Decent job, sober, looking good.”
I’m actually surprised to see Aiyana even anywhere near me seeing how we left things, I left things.
“Hey. You’re looking spectacular yourself.” My confidence of looking her in the eyes has diminished some. She moves in closer gesturing for a hug. A knot in my stomach forms, gurgling starts in. I begin to wonder if this hug is going to be one of those quick pat ya on the back friend hugs or one of those I really missed you, long endearing hugs. She grabs me and throws her arms around my neck.
“I missed you. I missed you a lot.” As Aiyana whispers the words upon my neck my flesh tingles.
“I kinda missed you a little as well.” I speak in a half-assed sarcastic tone. Truth, only half joking. The other half of me concentrating on matters elsewhere. Aiyana kisses my neck and I slightly pull away from her. I don’t know if it is guilt that has me pull away from her sweet lips, or whatever the fuck.
“Yeah Aiyana, yeah, I’m totally fine.” Still finding it difficult to look into her eyes I find myself concentrating on that fact, of not looking, so I stare. I’m sure the look on my face will begin to look strained and weird to her. Fuck! Ok, now look away. The people inside my head break the spell. I do as I’m told. Too late, I think she noticed.
“Are you sure?”
“Yeah. I get off in half an hour. Wanna grab some coffee?” While I feel uncomfortable at the moment I also feel a sense of calm. Aiyana has that effect on many people.
The familiar sounds of the patrons and the smell of fresh coffee relax me into a good place.
“So, what have you been up to?” Aiyana’s voice attempts at a witty banter of sorts. We both know there are some things to discuss. Well at least one thing to discuss and my least favorite of them all. God, I hope she doesn’t go there.
“So Burge, where are we at? Going at least?”
Yep, she went there. I fucking hate this. Why do we even have to be going anywhere? Why does there have to be this set point in time? Why a definition of what it is, a label? God damn, why can’t it just be sex? Women. Pat, you’re a fucking asshole.
“Aiyana, I was wondering really what you thought of stuff.” Ok, that’s a lie.
“Well Burge, that’s why I asked you. The way things are looking, I don’t know. I know I enjoy being with you. I guess I do hope for more.”
“I enjoy being with you as well. A lot of shit has just been happening.” Only half a lie this time. Only a half truth. At this point, fuck, I really don’t know.
“I know, I know. Do you wanna come over and maybe watch a movie?” I’m sure watching a movie is not what she wants to be doing.
“Yeah sure.” Fuck, not quite sure why I just said yes.
As I sit on the couch Aiyana walks off into the bedroom. Man, my posture totally sucks. As I adjust myself against the back of the couch Aiyana slowly walks out from the bedroom. In no way are the cut off shorts she has changed into an indication of her desires. Short enough they are, not much is left to the imagination. She is fucking sexy. Now I’m just getting angry. Not at anyone but myself am I angry. I don’t like myself right now and more self-inflicted bloodletting feels like the best decision to make. Where am I going? What do I want? What the fuck am I doing?
Aiyana walks towards me. Her intentions sing through her eyes. I stand up to leave, not sure what I am doing. Her lips are already on mine, she feels wonderful. I’m hurting, hating myself. What could possibly make me hate myself even more than taking Aiyana right here in the living room and ruining every possible chance I have with Dee forever?
At the closing of that thought I have already spun Aiyana around and walked her backward toward the door to the apartment. I want to fuck her against the door hard so I can hear the chain on the lock slap against the door and the door knob itself rattle. I spare no time in pulling her shirt off. She is wearing no bra and I find myself staring at her pink erect nipples. I take her nipple into my waiting mouth. My left hand pushes her hip into mine, my right gently grabs her breasts. In my eagerness I pull her shorts down and they fall to the floor like the limp unwanted cloth they are, Aiyana kicks them off to the side. For me, this is not about love, only lust. A physical manifestation of self-hate. Her body, the bullet in my suicidal game of Russian roulette. She wraps a leg around my waist.
“I need you inside of me.” She begs of me. I instantly put two fingers inside of her and she drips onto my hand.
“I need more of you.”
Her breath as aggressive as my thoughts, I lose myself upon her request and pick all of her up against the door. She wraps herself around me. Her arms around my neck, both her legs around my waist hold tightly. I put another finger deep inside of her as my waist thrusts my fingers deeper still. Her pussy invites all of me in and firmly grabs onto me. I feel her teeth bite into my shoulder as she moves up and down on me, my left hand holding on to her ass as she fucks my fingers harder, faster. The door rattles, the door knob and frame shake, the perfect accompaniment as she floods my fingers and hand.
The bedroom is dark, only the lights from the passing cars outside shed light upon the stillness inside. Aiyana is hard asleep beside me. I stare upward and into nothingness, my soul feeling as empty.
Is there a more suffocating feeling than living in a hell you’ve created all on your own?