Out of breath and barely awake, Dee has bolted upright from a deep sleep and probably her shittiest nightmare since her and Burgess broke up. Well, not broke up, ok like friends, but it—Dee halts those thoughts mid-sentence, she is so tired of going back there. The nightmares aren’t helping anything. It also doesn’t help that both her and Burgess walked all over this town in stud flair with destroy and conquer on their minds. It was them, all them. Every fucking part of this town still vibes with Burgess presence and a daily reminder of what’s not them anymore.
Dee feels a few beads of sweat roll down the side of her neck past her left ear. Instinctively not sure if it’s some damn spider or actual sweat she quickly swats at the side of her head slapping herself slightly.
“I’m up now.”
She’s not even sure what time it is. It’s still dark out but going back to sleep is not happening. After that ever relieving first thing when you wake up pee, she starts for the kitchen. A fresh pot of coffee and some deep analysis is in order. She can’t stop thinking about Burgess. Fuck you Burgess! She has screamed that inside her head so many times that she has probably killed a million brain cells. These damn thoughts and feelings are becoming a dangerous all-consuming issue of which as not only affected her sleep but even most of her days. She just started a job a couple of weeks ago, doesn’t pay much but it is a start and the last thing she needs is to fuck it up. It’s been six months and it’s still messing with her.
Dee sits at the stool in the kitchen and waits for the coffee to brew. She hears the sizzle and steam release. She takes that first deliberate and liberating sip. She mumbles quietly to herself.
“Maybe it’s time to stop overthinking this shit and just move on.”
The same moment across town Burgess is awakened suddenly as well.
Ok, that was pretty fucking weird. Be quiet Burge. Damn. I look over and Aiyana is lying here so peaceful but obviously having a dream as well. She’s twitching a bit and she does that when she’s dreaming a good dream. Well, hopefully she’s having some kind of fetish sex dream or something and not one that can only be defined as an acid flashback episode of Fraggle Rock. She’s been here for me. Well, Twat has as well but I really fear making her feel like she has to pick sides. Plus, Dee is crashing over at her place, or living, whatever the hell they call it. Besides Twat is still practically a newlywed with a new job. Man, she’s all grown up. Next they’ll be having kids and shit. Whoa, don’t go there Burgess.
Its spring they should be calling me for my landscaping job, letting us know when us not so importants can go back to work. Living off unemployment is not all that great. Can’t complain, at least it is something. Helped me buy that ring for Aiyana. When the season starts I’m gonna go all in and kick ass at that job. It’ll keep me busy and give me a chance to start over again. Get some stuff out of my mind. Keep me busy from any triggers. Sobriety is even more important now. Keep me focused on absolutely everything else that isn’t Dee. I hate the way things were left and that fear of running into her comes back every damn time I step outside of the house. Jesus I don’t think there is any recovering from this one. She still doesn’t know exactly what happened and I have asked Twat not to say anything. I am so fucking ashamed for so many reasons. Fuck I’m sure word may have gotten around though that me and Aiyana are fucking, well together. There’s not going to be any recovering for either Dee and I.
Maybe a bond between two people just isn’t that solid. We go blindly into thinking that nothing can tear us apart. No one, nothing, without ever accepting the fact that ultimately we are human first and ruled by ever destructive emotion. In the end everything destroys itself whether intentionally or not. I never could have even seen it. It’s hard not to get swept up in eyes that dance with your own. A heart that skips a beat when you touch her and a kiss that last for days afterward. I never fucking thought I would destroy us, destroy her and I never thought of letting go. You can’t let go something that’s a part of you.
I wash my hands and just watch the water for a moment slip from the palms and slide through my fingers. I try several times to hold that gentle puddle within them. No matter how straight and still I try to hold my palms, the water slides through. It splashes into the sink, subtle drops hit upon the counter. Every drop falls into the drain. I can see it pass from the pipes as if in some kind of escape and flowing into a barren nothingness. My love like the marathon of drops that have found a welcoming stranger in loneliness yet again has been given to another and I hope it never returns.
Burgess thinks back of a time about 4 years ago when Dee and her both decided to grow their hair out from the butch styles they always wore. They did that together, everything together. They had yet to have sex at that point or even kiss. They held hands in a field looking up as some pussy willows scattered about the sky. The blanket they created over the field was like lying within purity itself. It was only them amongst a sea of calm and forever. She’ll never forget what Dee said to her.
“Love me till I die?”
“There’s no love you till you die Burgess. The only option is to love you forever.”