April 3, 2016

Finding Her Find Me

best profile 2My story of how I found love online may seem the cliché with the immediate U-Haul departure but the story is of tragedy and triumph in the journey. The story goes back a little further before I even typed the words lesbian looking for like mind over bad coffee and intriguing conversation. Before that the struggle of my life led me finally to the love of my life.

Eight years ago I finally thought I had found someone who I could tell all of my dark secrets and share all my failures with. Without judgement, I thought I could tell the one of hard times, the passing of my best friend, my mom. I thought I could speak of a terrible break up immediately after that tragedy. The one I could be intimate with in soul and body and not feel emotionally abused. She was beautiful and confident. She was passionate as I was.

About seven years and some months ago, the love of my life began to hit me. She began to call me names and judge me on the intimate thoughts I had shared. She abused me in the bedroom and even in front of strangers. I love you came no more from her lips but foul words. As she screamed she threw things at me and blamed me for all. I escaped once and went back. Her fists fiercer and her bites sharper. I lost myself at the bottom of a river of black molasses. I let go of myself and I let go of the notion of any survival. The river held me down and I slipped into a deep where the bottom seemed endless. The drop would be forever. My cry was hopelessness.

Three years ago I was free from the bondage of a malevolent presence. I had survived and was standing. Now I had to find me. There was the fear of the unknown and being alone but the fear was welcome. It was an emotion, an emotion for which I was not allowed to feel as all the other ones. Now, I could finally cry, and I could laugh. I could laugh, laugh as loud as I wanted, so loud the neighbors complained and my gut hurt. I laughed often.

Two years ago I knew I had become that stronger person. I knew I could do it. She was out there and now I had to make that other leap in life. I went on an online dating site and filled out my profile. I took time on it because I consider myself an amateur budding writer. As well I wanted people to see that deeper more cerebral part of me.

I spoke with many beautiful ladies. They all lived thousands of miles away from me. I never thought of moving. All of the women never bothered to read my profile and I became disheartened by such. They would ask me questions that if they had taken the time to read they would have known. They only saw the pictures and never wanted to see inside me. I began to think it wasn’t time and was going to cancel my subscription to the site.

In December of 2014 she left me a hello and how are you? I figured ok, just one more. We had questions for one another and that is when I realized. This one has read what I wrote, this one really wants to know something about me. She had mentioned to me that she was going to cancel her account. When I thought I would not be able to speak with her it created anxiety. The moment she said she would be leaving is the moment I really knew I wanted more.

We began to speak through messenger and I also canceled my subscription. Now it was just us. So now what? Over the miles and though I had yet to meet her I could feel her every day. When I watched movies she sat beside me and held my hand. When she spoke to me over the phone she was lying with me in bed. Everything reminded me of her but I had never touched her skin.

January 2015 I felt something that shook through the ends of my fingertips and toes like calming fires. With the sweetest voice with a melody that matched my pulse she told me she loved me. I met my beautiful Aimee online. Through the countless hours of laughs and hardships spoken amongst each other she never judged but listened.

She felt what I felt and she opened parts of me that had been missing for years. Through her I found love again and she helped me to find that within myself. Even with the fear of unknown travels I knew there was no other option but to get to her and hold her till we became one another with a kiss that could last for days.

June 24th 2015, I headed out on my best adventure yet. One that would never end. It has never stopped with her. Thirty-seven hundred miles in five days. Alaska to Michigan. She is the reason I continue to want the best for myself. She is the reason even when mornings are tough and I don’t feel like I can even stand, she gives me her hand. She is the reason I find everyday even in the darkest clouds, not without hope. Yes, I found love online, I found myself.

Join the conversation! 9 Comments

  1. Congratulations… love is beautiful and gives us wings to fly, sets us free and is energy to go on.. you are lucky one you can meet her. I found love online but we will never meet. She lives in another part of the world. Good luck to you both and lot of love for you both. 😊🌷

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  2. Beautiful!

    Liked by 1 person

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  3. Beautiful story…gives hope..

    Liked by 1 person

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  4. Awwww that’s the sweetest thing I’ve read in a very long time! Congrats to you and Aimee 🙂 Chin up, buttercup….. stand proud and keep laughing often until your gut hurts. It’s a good kind of hurt! 🙂

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  5. I love it! You give me courage to keep on going in my “quest” for love.

    Liked by 1 person

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About PJ Secluded

Introspective writer working on first manuscript. Writer of original series, poems, musings of sorts and the occasional manic prose. My main blog is an original series seen through the eyes of the lesbian protagonist Burgess. With her brood of studs, they conquer fear and tragedy, embracing love and the experiences between close friends. I have been writing for just a little while now and found a true passion for it. I want to help others through my writing discussing sensitive issues that affect the LGBTQ community in a unique fashion

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