“Hey, Twat. There was something I left at your place a long time ago and I was hoping to get it back.”
I wasn’t even sure I wanted it back. Damn Incubus cd that Dee and I used to rock out to. Whether getting high or crying together, fucking cd. I really don’t want to go over there but something inside me wants a part of her even if I can’t have her. This shit has got to stop.
“Well Burge what is it? I could bring it over to you.”
“How bout we just meet over at the coffee shop? Haven’t been there in a while.”
“Aw, damn Burge, Dee started working there about a week ago.”
“Ok, you know, whatever!”
In all my anger I hang up the phone and don’t want to even hear Twats voice for awhile. God damn it! Everything has changed. I can’t do this to myself. I have to focus on recovery. All of it. I have to acknowledge what happened and work my way through it. I don’t want to do anything! God, I don’t want to end my life but I just want all of this to end. I don’t want to start cutting again. I need to find some other outlet. God, I’m so tired of fucking thinking.
Well I do have a counseling session today. I can get all this poison out in there. I started seeing a counselor about three weeks ago and I guess it’s helping some. I’d rather talk about what happened and other shit with her than anyone I know. I don’t feel judged with her. She has an easiness to her that in other circumstances she would make a great friend. Of course there is some ethical counseling bullshit thing they adhere to so that could never happen.
“Hey baby? How ya feeling?”
Aiyana is looking especially beautiful this morning. Her hair is all tasseled and I love when she wears my shirts and her bikini underwear to bed. She still has sleep in her eyes and yawns this cute little yawn of sorts. She rubs the sleep from her eyes which brightens them even more to the morning sun peering through the kitchen window. Almost like the hazel green hue has made their entrance in a grand production. Well, I hope the play never ends. I might feel a bit uncomfortable with her walking around in just her underwear but mom has been spending some time with her new “boyfriend.” I hope this one treats her right, but they never do. I’m not sure she’ll ever learn and I’ve learned myself that there is not a damn thing I can do to change her mind. I learned that last year when I called her then boyfriend a fuck stick moocher. She practically slapped the blond right out of my hair.
“I’m doing as good as can be right now Aiyana. How did you sleep?”
“As they say, like a baby. Anything you want to talk about?”
“Not right now. I’m still letting it all process. Maybe later.”
“Ok, baby. Take however long you need. I’ll be right here.”
Aiyana kisses me on the cheek and heads downstairs after grabbing a cup of coffee. I follow her only to get dressed and then I’m out the door. I have about an hour before my appointment. Maybe I could just walk past the old coffee shop. Hey Burge, you just need to find a new place. I’m not accustomed to listening to myself but on this, I am pretty sure I’m right.
“Hey Patricia you can come on in. Just have this one thing to input into the computer. Just didn’t want to keep you waiting out here. The magazines are outdated and suck and the chairs or not really all that comfortable.”
I let out a little bit of a chuckle and smirk. My counselor is pretty cool. Her name is Natalie and she speaks my language. She is also a recovering addict alcoholic. The more I come here, the more things are starting to get easier. I’m not ready to talk about some things but like I said, easier. She asks me to call her Natalie but the way I was raised kinda feels a little weird but I’m sure that will also come natural over time.
“It’s all good. The magazines do suck. But you do realize some of the books on your own shelves are dusty.”
Her turn to laugh.
“Yeah I guess you’re right. I’ve been meaning to do something about that. So how have things been since our last session?”
“Well this morning I called Twat, um, excuse me. I called “T”.
I turn a nice shade of crimson. I hope she doesn’t notice.
“How’d that go?”
“Not so great, I hung up the phone on her. I feel kinda horrible about that. Not really her fault about what’s going on. Not her fault at all.”
“Do you think your anger ties into what we have discussed with your friend Dee?”
“Well, of course it does. Lately everything has.”
“Why do you think that is?”
“You know, damn it, I just need to move on with the shit.”
“We can. Have you been having the nightmares like we discussed last week?”
“I don’t want to fucking kill myself, but if my damn mind could stop for even a minute. When I’m fucking sleeping and damn especially when I’m awake, then maybe I could handle more shit.”
“Patricia, but you really wouldn’t be handling anything.”
“That’s just it, I can’t handle anything right now.”
“Have you and Aiyana tried having sex again?”
“We have and I couldn’t, I couldn’t finish, I couldn’t have an orgasm, I faked it on her. Which I feel absolutely horrible about. I don’t want to tell her, but I think she is starting to wonder about stuff.”
“Do you think she may judge you on some level?
“Hey, do you think we can just be done for today? I’m not feeling too great.”
“Whatever you wish we can most definitely do that.”
I get up slowly from my chair and looked toward Natalie feeling guilty now about wanting to end the session early. Man, I’ve been feeling guilty a lot lately.
“Hey, um, do you think you could call me Burgess from now on? I really don’t like Patricia. My mom tends to use it when she is wasted out of her damn mind.”
I turn and leave. For whatever reason I feel as if Natalie wanted to hug me. Probably not so. Signals from everyone have been so screwed up. When I get home I just melt into the couch and grab for the remote. I’ve been into some classic comedy for the past couple of weeks. It’s been my distraction and I’m good with that. Laverne and Shirley it will be again. That show makes me feel safe. Aiyana walks into the room. She has just showered and several strands of wet hair stick to the back of her neck and subtly obscure her eyes for a bit. She is so beautiful.
“Um, Burge. I’m so sorry but you left your phone here and I thought it might be you calling to see if you lost it somewhere, so I answered it. I guess the local police were looking to speak with you. Is there anything you want to tell me? I don’t care what it is but I’ve been feeling something is wrong and I’m really worried about you. Burge I love you so much. My god would you please just tell me what the hell is going on?”
“Aiyana, I am so sorry I just can’t right now.”
I begin to cry and the look on Aiyana’s face is hurt and concern. She grabs for me and I instinctively pull away from her. I just want to fucking hide. I just literally want to find a cubby hole and scream. Scream till all the anger and the hurt can just fucking go away. I know it won’t last, but that minute of peace I might get. God I just want one fucking minute back of the person I was before it happened, before I was raped. God before they took from me the very thing I thought that was all mine, my fucking soul. The phone rings and I grab it before heading downstairs.
“Is this, Ms. Burgess?”
“Yes, it is.”
“Ma’am we have apprehended some suspects we believe to be the individuals who assaulted you. If you could – “
I hang up the phone. The ghost returns.