April 25, 2016

Crash Into Nothingness

profile12I am absolutely in the most debilitating state of sadness

I can’t stand my fucking self right now

and I can’t stand living

I don’t want to be worried at all right now

because I don’t want to put her through any of this

I’ll always be broken

there will never be any fixing me

I’m thinking of hanging myself

Yes, I have good days but then it is just a matter of time

before I am right back here

 

I couldn’t even get out of the fucking truck

I drove all the way there and wasn’t sure I could do it

but definitely knew when I got close that I couldn’t

I couldn’t even get one thing of cauliflower like she wanted

I’m not even sure what set this off

but many times its nothing

which is scary

I’m never sure when it will hit

many times after my fiery mind of euphoria

some upon waking or just doing the dishes

I know I got extremely agitated when she mentioned that

that really pissed me off

 

I’m so fucking done with this shit

at least when I’m single I don’t have to worry about someone

letting me down or upsetting me

I don’t in any way want to be here right now

I fucking hate life and I’m so fucking mad right now

I’m so mad at myself

my mind

it has failed me once again

 

I got my new disability rating today

I’m really upset about it

I’m still considered 100% disabled

most days I’m feeling pretty able bodied

I believe that I am

for the life of me I can’t figure out why I’m still 100%

I really do think I’m doing a whole heck of a lot better

I was honest with the shrink

did I not say enough

did I not stress enough

that I’m not as broken

can people see from the outside

what I can’t from the inside

has the monster been fooling me

he’s always scratching at the hollow parts

he plays like the devil

but will float through the clouds

 

she most definitely would be better off without me in every way

I really don’t have anything to offer her

I honestly don’t think I’m meant to be with anyone

I just want to hurt myself

I hate everything about me right now

my disgusting fucking mind

I don’t want to go to the hospital again

National Suicide Prevention Hotline 1(800) 273-8255

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About PJ Secluded

Introspective writer working on first manuscript. Writer of original series, poems, musings of sorts and the occasional manic prose. My main blog is an original series seen through the eyes of the lesbian protagonist Burgess. With her brood of studs, they conquer fear and tragedy, embracing love and the experiences between close friends. I have been writing for just a little while now and found a true passion for it. I want to help others through my writing discussing sensitive issues that affect the LGBTQ community in a unique fashion

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Lgbtq, Poetry, Uncategorized

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