In order to be found we must get lost. Now I don’t mean lost in the actual sense that we end up actually finding death instead of our own salvation, but more of finding a closure that we don’t escape from but bury ourselves within. So deep that in the metaphorical sense we get lost in the woods. We deal with it. We manage it, for a time we even let the anger and anxiety control us. We ultimately let it happen and let it happen to every part of us, physically, mentally and spiritually.
Spirituality can mean anything to you. For me it means finding not the ethereal plane of what are angels but finding that ethereal plane within myself that allows me to free myself from my own hell I have created. No, I am not blaming myself of the thing that still imprisons me but I do allow it to create my atmosphere. I spend days not being able to go out. I suffer from acute spells of agoraphobia. I still suffer from panic attacks, debilitating ones. Ones that leave me without speech and breath. The type where I find myself completely shutting down and drooling upon myself. I don’t allow many to see me in such a state. I run if I can.
Within the last week I have found myself having at least 12 panic attacks. The degree always varies but none are ever easy. I battle every day to not look on such as a weakness of mine, but it gets more difficult as the days pass and within weeks when they seem to come incessantly as with what just happened. I do know with each moment that I struggle with this it does in many ways make me a stronger person. The question is, how much can I take before the ultimate break happens? Even the strong have limits.
It had recently occurred to me to let the panic attacks happen instead of fighting them. This is of course hard because nobody doesn’t want to breathe or feel as if they have no control. I however have to do this in order to thrive, to live and to survive. It has also recently occurred to me to do the one thing that scares me the most, getting lost. Getting lost for days. With technology the premise of what is actually lost varies but for me delving into deep woods and scary things that howl during the nights may just be the thing that saves me.
I will be heading out on a 100 plus mile trek though the North Country Trail. I don’t have a specific time limit on when it will end I may even decide that I want to continue but I know one thing, there is no quit. I can’t quit because I have almost quit on myself before and that one instance almost took my life. In order to be found we must get lost. I’ll get lost with no limits, no timeframe, no goals of distance except the one to go as far as I can. I will get lost until the hell that has taken over my days is found. In this not only will I find a new me but I will also discover even further my own lengths of human will power and love. Love over all that tries to diminish our light and love of self.